Love is …
I celebrated my birthday with a lot of zeal and clarity. Leading up to it I figured out who I want to commit to being, and the implications of that on what I want to commit to doing with my life. I was transformed in my view of myself, and I saw things from a more enlightened perspective. I have, since then, struggled against the resistance that comes when an individual finally sees themselves better.
My clarity was accompanied by feelings of elation. But feelings are transient. When the days rolled by and a sore throat joined a headache, I just retreated back to the safety of consumption. I find that that is what I do when I am not being myself, I consume - TV, food (not the great kind), and anything that will help me escape from facing the resistance to be who I am. Things looks great when I am feeling happy, but when the sunny emotions make room for the cloudy ones, I sway this way and that in my resolve.
Harsh criticism and self-loathing do nothing to overcome the fear that tries to block success. So, a few days ago when I woke up ready to fall into the habit of castigating myself for one thing or the other, I said no. I decided that I am going to be grateful and praise God. Praise God when I show up. Praise God when I don’t. Praise God when I slip or drop the ball or fail to do whatever it is I think I should be doing. And simply be in gratitude for everything. I was also about to add another rule to “make me live my life better” and I had to stop myself. I was just repeating the cycle: wake up, feel unsatisfied with myself, find another rule to make that dissatisfaction go away - wake up early, sleep earlier, stay off my phone more, etc- fail to stick to that rule, wake up ... None of these things are bad for me, but none of them come from a place of genuine love for myself. They come from the ideas that I need to be fixed, that I am bad at living my life, and that I always fail to do things. None of these thoughts are true, neither are they a reflection of the real me that just wants to be free to be. Every time I wake up feeling like I have let myself down – I try to add more things to do. I try to give myself more rules, and all I feel is sadness at the prospect of failing at following the new rule I am installing for myself. So, that morning and made the choice to be grateful instead. Even when I feel bad about myself, I am going to be grateful because it is the best way for me to see God in myself, even when I feel like I am letting Him down. And in the midst of that gratitude, I am going to be kind.
Because no one ever responds well to unkindness. Everybody needs love. And there comes a stage whereby the love you experience from the people around you, is limited by the love you feel for yourself. Only you can bridge that gap.
Last week, someone told me that the extent to which we obey God shows the extent to which we love ourselves. Love is discipline. It is saying no to the instant gratification and yes to the things that are good for us today, tomorrow and always. Love is something we have to practice, especially with ourselves.
However, I find that I associate discipline with rigidity, harshness, and an unforgiving state of being. I think I have gotten it all wrong. I have been thinking of the discipline (and obedience) in self-love in the same way the Pharisees and Sadducees thought about the laws - rigid, unkind, without love or life. I have not really looked at the model set by Jesus Christ. That model was very different.
Jesus Christ accepted everybody first, before showing them the way. He did not say – first become perfect, and then my Father will accept you. He said come and receive my Father’s love and acceptance of you. He invited first, and corrected later. Come, come, come. And I think that is what I need to do for myself. I need to say come as you are and stop trying to fix what is not broken. Nothing is broken. The truth of who you are just needs to be brought out.
It is exhausting otherwise, living by a set of harsh, unforgiving, and ever changing standards. Because the expectation to fail is constant, and the reality of failure, by those parameters, is ever present. To move forward, I have to understand this new commandment of love. Because in the world consisting of all my selves, I don’t think I have.
I have always responded best to those that are patient with me, whose goal is to see me learn and not berate me for not knowing. Who help me to be better by making me see I am good as I am right now. But now is the time to be the person to whom I respond the best. To be accountable to myself, it means that I have to be someone to whom I would want to be accountable. And that is definitely not a person who constantly makes me feel bad about myself.
To really be better, kindness and patience are paramount. Paul the Apostles definition of love just took on a whole new meaning for me. I always thought of it in terms of how we treat other people. This is the first time I have realised that I should try using it to learn how to love myself first.
Love is kind.
Be kind to yourself.
Love, OFP