Long Time no Writing

Friends,

It has been so long since I wrote something that was not school or work-related. A part of me is afraid that my words have left me, but the real part of me knows that I reside in an ocean of words. To leave that ocean would be to cease to exist. 

I have been busy for the last two months, busy juggling and trying to discern if juggling is really a thing, or just a magic trick. 

I am reading Yaa Gyasi’s new book- Transcendent Kingdom. I think she is my favourite author. She writes in the way that I would want to write a book if I could just commit to doing it. It feels personal, intimate and relevant. Thinking about her writing scared me. 

What if all the ideas I have leave me? What if they become tired of waiting for me to put them down, and go, instead, to someone else who is more willing to pay attention to them and bring them into being?

Everything that I am trying to do is meaningful, and so I blame the passage of time. It is too fast, and it is too slow. It is not moving at a pace that helps me to realise that I am boundless. Of course I am aware that blame is a synonym for ‘the inability to take responsibility for oneself’. Still, I blame time for running away from me.

I don’t feel boundless right now. I feel constrained by all the boxes I have created for myself on my calendar. Time for this and time for that. No time to rest or heal or breathe or just be. 

This evening, after a day in which I am not sure I fully participated, I decided that I would do nothing. 

I lie. My body decided for me with my burning throat and what feels like a stuffy head. Perhaps I am getting a cold. Or maybe, my body is just saying, you think we are fine, but we need a real pause. It ignores me when I ask, “pause from what exactly? We haven’t done that much.” It ignores me because it knows I am lying. I have done a lot, and my constant diminishing of my effort and heart and intention to succeed does nothing to convince it that my judgement is to be trusted. Whatever it is, I decided to listen, because deep down, I am tired. And no one, but myself, can give me the permission to rest. So, to heal, I am reading and listening to music that connects me to that feeling of creativity, truth and being honest with oneself.  I am trying very hard, to believe the word that said tomorrow will take care of itself.

I worry that I cannot do it all. All the things that I want to do. But then, I remember those words that I wrote last. They were something along the lines of freeing myself to will all that I want, and being confident that as I will it, so it is. I have not learnt that bit yet, the confidence. 

The world is experiencing a shift. It is not a a mere shift, more a tremble, a stirring, a disturbance of the house of cards. I feel hope, I feel joy, I feel gratitude towards my fellow young Nigerians, bringing forth that future that they want for themselves, saying this is enough, owning their shit, and taking a stand. It’s amazing to behold. I did not think I would see this happen. I don’t believe it is just going to fade a way. This is a different time, the death of all the first born sons … the part before the crossing of the red sea. Or perhaps. we are only at the first plague. What does it matter where we are? The point is that the story ends in freedom and victory over tyranny and suffering. I will have more to say on this …

I have learnt a lot of things in the last month and a half. I wanted to write about one of those things - self-care as a discipline necessary for success - but time … 

I am afraid that if I let myself be, then I will fall behind. But if I ask myself, ‘behind what?’ the answers, where available, are hardly ever satisfactory. 

Why am I so afraid to be? Apologetic of my powers. Unconvinced that I am allowed to use them. I am not sure, but at least, I am being honest about what it is. 

I have been triumphant in some ways. I discovered a level of patience and maturity that I did not know I had. I am less cruel with my words, less, not completely. It isn’t easy to be responsible for other people, nor be patient, as you will them to grow. But I am learning. 

I miss writing. 

And I wonder how I can reconcile the nature of my flow, with the boxes, times slots, in which I seem determined to squeeze myself. 

How do they do it all? I wonder 

They just do … and they keep doing … and they find out, that it is working - the doing - so they carry on being all that they want to be. 

I was determined to write this post today. 

I don’t know that it has any meaning beyond my desire not to abandon the thing that most brings me to life. 

Anyway, 

I wish you all a wonderful weekend. 

Here’s the next episode of Babalanlord I never published. (You can read episodes past episodes here:  0-10, 11, 12 )

Wishing you safety and strength,

O.F.P.