Anxious Much?
Dear Friends,
I decided to spend some time thinking about why it is I have anxiety when I have a task facing me. I have noticed that it doesn’t really matter how big or small the thing is, my reaction largely stays the same - only varying by levels of intensity. It is especially worse when someone asks me to do something.
These are my instant reactions:
Doubt about my ability to do it to a ‘high’ standard. (This is probably my most prominent feeling and the one that drives the rest).
A desire to refuse the request because of (1) i.e. I can’t do it the way I am ‘supposed’ to, so don’t let me commit and disappoint this person, or show my incompetence
Guilt that I will be letting this person down, or not being a good friend/sister/child etc because of (2) i.e. I want to refuse because I think I can’t do it and so I feel guilty that I am refusing this person’s request and thus letting them down and not being a good person ...
Uncertainty as to whether my issue is (1) or I really do not want to do it because I don’t feel like it / I am tired / I don’t have the capacity
Confusion as to whether my feelings in (4) are correct, because maybe I need to learn to sacrifice for people
Basically, it’s a mess.
All these thoughts are coming at me at the same time, and in the span of the few (2) minutes I have given myself to respond (because God forbid I let someone think I am ignoring them), I have cycled multiple times through doubting myself, feeling disappointed in myself, to not knowing what I want outside of the fear that I am experiencing, to being confused, to calling myself a bad [whatever thing you can be bad at], and on and on it goes. It is tiring!
Sometimes, I get a headache from the tension that is built as a result of this. Actually, this is almost all the time. So my body is also expressing a physical reaction to all the thoughts going on in my head. It is not very pleasant, and it happens every time I am asked if I can do something.
The fear that I will disappoint is real, and one of many fears. This is what I deal with from a simple: ‘can you help me do x’.
It is not the person’s fault. It is that I have this persona in my head - call her Ms __ for now (while I think of a name). Ms __ is a very critical person. Nothing is good enough for her. Nothing. So when someone asks me for something, the person takes up the persona of Ms __ in my head. Then the chaos ensues.
Ms __ is like those teachers who tell kids that they will never amount to anything, knowing that those kids will believe those words. She is cruel. She is rigid, and has a stagnant and inflexible view of life. You can’t get anything right with her. You can never win. So when Ms __ appears, I don’t even want to try because what follows is usually not good. But it’s a lose-lose situation because I feel bad either way.
It is either I am left feeling disappointed in myself or guilty that I did not do what was asked of me. Or find out that I really did not want to do it, but I have committed to it anyway. Sometimes I do it but I am not sure that what I have done is good enough. All this points to a need for external approval and reassurance, which I won’t go into today.
I find that a large part of my problem is that
I have fear because I think I am incapable
I have a fear of disappointing people (people pleaser)
I have not been able to discern my own position because of (1) and (2).
So what is the way out?
I am not sure. I think the first step for me is being aware of this anxiety in a very clear way, and understanding where it is coming from and what motivates it. I believe that awareness is always a really great first step. Ignoring things makes them scarier, for me at least.
Nowadays I try to be honest with myself. This is often the hardest part because it comes with a lot of confusion, and I am still learning how to separate expectations that I have imbibed from other people from things I should be doing to express myself without fear. I have not quite figured it out yet.
I try to rationalise my fears too, and cajole myself to be clear about what it is I think I cannot do. Then I try to tease out what parts appear less scary to me. I try to allow myself take baby steps because I recognise that I am just afraid of the unknown, however, as I move forward in the small things and recognise that ‘hey! I am doing it!’, I take more steps forward.
I acknowledge my real fear of being disappointing (I use that as a hold all term). It is not laziness, as Ms __ sometimes whispers to me, neither is it incompetence. It is just a big bad manifestation of fear.
It makes sense to encourage someone who’s afraid they cannot do it. Think about how you speak to your loved ones. It is easy to encourage others but for some reason, it is not as easy to encourage ourselves, or show kindness and patience and understanding. I think the difficulty lies in our resistance to sit with ourselves and understand what is going on.
This is the stage I am in right now, trying to understand myself better, so that I can be kinder and more compassionate to myself. Fear tends to melt away in the presence of kindness, encouragement and compassion.
So when you are dealing with people who may have anxiety, try to bear this in mind. Nobody wants to have to deal with crippling self-deprecating thoughts triggered by the simplest request. And if we could help it, we would not be anxious. So ‘get over it’, ‘man up’, ’stop being ___’ are things they already tell themselves over and over again. It is not helpful and further reinforces the cruel voice of Ms __ in our heads.
A better approach is to help people with anxiety identify why they might be afraid, or the lies they might be telling themselves, and remind them that they can do it, because they have done it before, and it does not matter that this time there is a slightly different request. If you do not have the time to do this, that is fine. In that case, it is best not to say anything at all. However, be mindful that they are probably already feeling bad or disappointed in themselves for not feeling like they could say yes. You don’t need to add to that either. Try to be kind and thoughtful, remember that as you are going through your own thing, other’s are going through their unseen struggles. Try your best not to make assumptions.
And if you struggle with one form of anxiety or the other, I see you. It is really worth taking the time to understand your reactions to different things, and with that understanding, practice being kind and patient with yourself. You are not a bad friend/brother/sister/child/colleague, you might just be afraid or tired or unsure of yourself. And that’s okay to recognise and admit all those things to yourself.
Now, it is important that we prioritise learning to face those fears that creep up throughout the day, in their different shapes and sizes, with love.
Because that is what casts out fear.
Not more blame
Not more shame
Not guilt either
Just love.
I will share my own ways of dealing with this as I learn more, but remember that it is a gradual process that is non-linear.
Either way, I am here for you.
Love,
O.F.P.