Learning to Rest
Last week I was really struggling with getting work done. My thoughts cycled between:
I don’t want to do anything
Am I tired?
What is wrong with me ?
Such a bad employee, not doing my work
What is wrong with me?
I don’t feel like doing anything
What is wrong with me?
etc
So I exerted a lot of mental energy, but completed nothing and spent no time rejuvenating or refreshing myself.
Maybe I was tired. Maybe it was laziness. I don’t know. All I know is that my mind refused to cooperate, and I felt bad about it. My feeling bad evolved to convincing myself that there was something wrong with me that needed fixing.
I did some work yesterday, but even then I did not really feel like I was deeply in it. I did it because I said I would, and I sent it off, not doing as thorough a read through as I would have liked.
As I write this down now, I realise that I was beginning to tell myself: what I need is someone to hold me accountable - that is when I will be forced to do my work. However, yesterday I had accountability (meeting the promised deadline), but I still could not bring my whole self to it, and whether or not it ended up good, it felt half-assed and I do not like that feeling. It is not about accountability in this particular case.
I have always wondered if I am a lazy person. I don’t know if I am. There is a part of me that believes no one is really truly lazy. Most of us are just afraid, and we use excuses or tell half-truths that make us appear lazy to ourselves and others.
The problem is not with me. It is with the things that I believe to be true.
I am surrounded by many people who work many hours and get so much done. I tell them to rest all the time. Perhaps it is because some corners of my mind compare me to these people, I struggle with justifying my rest. I rest anyway, but in resting I call it laziness, or the inability to work hard. So it is never a proper rest because my mind still bears the burden of guilt - you should be working more; you should be more on top of things; you need to be on it but you’re not; etc etc etc I know that sleep is important. I know that physical and mental rest are important, but I do not know how much work is ‘enough’, or when rest is justified. If you are someone who wonders if you are lazy, rest never feels justified. You just feel like a slacker all the time, and the mental burden this causes, perpetuates a cycle.
It is dangerous. This mindset I have about work.
I was telling my mother the other day - I wish someone could just set me up with a schedule that I can follow. And there it was again, turning outwards for something that only I can teach myself.
The truth is that no one can prescribe to me a correct way to be rested. I really need to learn, for myself, what my mind and body need, and learn how to give it to them.
Deep down, I know that I am not a lazy or irresponsible person. Sometimes I just get really tired. It is not a physical tiredness. It is a mental one. I am always thinking. Some of the thoughts are induced by having all this creative energy, but not knowing how to harness it properly. Some of the thoughts are from my fears about what other people will think about this and that. Some thoughts are about things I want to write. Issues with the world, how Africa and Africans are still enslaved even though it is 2020. I worry about people, feel powerless to help them, and then berate myself for this powerlessness. I don’t know… many things. I am always thinking and I don’t realise the extent to which thoughts take up energy too.
And that is a mistake I make - thinking that it is not only actions that use up energy. So I am unable to recognise the fatigue that comes from a very active and anxious mind. I conclude that there is something wrong with me or call it laziness and feel bad about it. When really, I should be aware of all I am doing with my mind, and learn to cultivate the thoughts that bring about the most good, not the ones that are feed on my energy via my ego and fear.
What I am trying to say, is that I would like to observe the conditions under which I work best. I would like to pay attention to when I don’t ‘feel’ like working or when I am mentally fatigued, and learn how to rest. In terms of the not ‘feeling’ like working I also want to do more to learn to understand why it is I don’t feel like it. Sometimes I don’t feel like is code for - I don’t know what to do. Sometimes it is because I feel overwhelmed, so I just avoid it. Sometimes I am trying to do everything at once, and I am thinking that the small steps I am taking aren’t enough, so I just throw the towel in. Sometimes I am just bored - and in these times I just have to suck it up and get the work done. The point is, it is hardly ever pure laziness, it is almost always some sort of fear, or overthinking things. So it is important for me to cultivate the awareness.
This is why it is important to be kind to people. But more importantly, be kind to yourself and learn to listen for the truth that is often covered by guilt or shame.
My intention is to become more aware of these feelings -tiredness, fear, whatever, and learn about what best supports me and my desires for myself.
The goal is to quieten my inner critic that just calls me lazy or makes me feel incompetent. And find out the truth in that particular moment.
This is part of the journey of introspecting and getting to know myself better. And also understanding that my needs and the best conditions for me to produce my best work are different from other people. So I also need to stop the comparison, and focus on setting myself up to bring my best self to whatever it is I am doing.
Anyway, this is one of the things I am working on as I #yenuwo 🙂
I am not sure how I am going to go about it. Perhaps I will start by asking myself “why?” when I say, “I don’t feel like it.” It might just point me to something I need that will set me up to work better.
Have you learnt how to rest so that you can bring your best self to all that you do?
How did you learn what works best for you?
Love,
O.F.P.