A Series on Fear - Part 4: Presently Thriving

Dear Friends,

I hope everyone is staying healthy and maintaining safe practices - social distancing and washing your hands regularly - to minimise the spread of COVID-19. Today is the final post on the series on fear. You can read the earlier ones here: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3. 

I want to talk about thriving in the present - a time and place in which fear has a harder time of making its impact felt. My discussion will be from the perspective of acknowledging yourself here and now, and seeing that you are good. It is something I struggle with myself, so I hope others will find it useful. 

I have been in Abidjan for a few days (it has been great! I have an awesome new Ivorian family :D ) and apart from realising just how much French I learnt in the past, it has also made realise how much French I lost. It was not that I did not have the opportunity to practice. I had ample opportunities. However, I felt that my French accent was not good enough, so I only spoke it when I was forced to. Essentially, I gave up; despite the fact that I had a great foundation, really loved the language and wanted to be fluent. I did not start from where I was and make my way to where I wanted to be. I remained stuck because I believed that what I had was not enough. However, regardless of the past, the reality is that I am here now. So I will learn from the past, not dwell on it, and use my current opportunity to improve my French. 

Although it is harder for fear to interfere when you are focusing on the present, it is not impossible. Fear can hold you back by planting the thought: as I am right now, I am not enough. You may be focused on your current state, but it is not a positive, self-loving focus. It is one that makes you believe you are incomplete as you are, and it is through that entry that your mind starts to travel to the past or imagined future. 

The best thing you can do for yourself to be sure you are avoiding fear-driven actions at any point in time, is to see yourself in love. Know that this statement is true for you: as I am right now, I am enough. I have all I need to grow, contribute and do my part for society today. It is a very important declaration and it will save you a lot of regret in the future. 

Please understand that this does not mean you should not desire improvement for yourself. It simply means that you are acknowledging where you are now, the role this moment has to play in your life, and the fact that you are equipped to play it, even though it may not seem so. 

Let me give an example to illustrate my point. Let us assume that you start a new job today and you are asked to build a model. You have learnt about the model in school, but you have never had a chance to put theory to practice. So, you tell yourself - I cannot do this. I know I have learnt it in school, but I do not want to mess up my first task. You tell your new manager that you do not know how to do it. She has a time constraint; so, she sends it to someone else. It was fear clouding your ability to acknowledge who you are and the things of which you are capable. 

How does the alternate scenario look? You get the task, you acknowledge that you have learnt about the model, and that you do have some ability to do it. So, you get working on it, and when you are stuck, you ask for help. You finish the first attempt, take corrections, revise etc and eventually it is done. 

What you have done here, is not only acknowledge that you have what it takes to do what YOU need to do today, but you have also given yourself the opportunity to grow, and this is what fear doesn’t like. It makes you feel stuck because you think - I am not perfect so I cannot do it. However, in reality it is precisely those who are so called ‘imperfect' that should do the things in which they feel they only have basic skills, so that they can improve. 

Thriving in the present - living without fear - consists of repeatedly telling yourself: as I am right now, I am enough. I have all I need to play my part and my role today. This includes saying yes! to the opportunities that present themselves to you. 

Believe me it takes practice and requires your being conscious of any inclinations you might have to temper people’s expectations of you - of which I am very guilty. However, when you keep reminding yourself - I can do this; perfection is my choosing to be better by taking this opportunity to improve - it becomes easier. 

Let me give you an example. A few days ago my manager told me - “... so yes I want you to then look at the scoring methods - I’m sure you’ve done some modelling before ... “ old me would have said “yes I have but ... “ and made some excuse of how I wasn’t an expert, or something like that. But then I did a really quick - stop and acknowledge- and I said “yes, yes I have” because I have done tons of modelling before - in and out of school, and I was being presented with an opportunity to further improve and expand my experience. In that very quick moment, I made the decision to stop saying no and hiding in the cocoon of wanting to be ‘perfect’. Because believe it or not, if you do not acknowledge yourself and step up, someone else will. It will not matter whether or not they are more skilled than you are, it will only matter that they said yes when you did not. That is the reality I am coming to learn and appreciate more and more every day. 

You might be ready with the excuse - I have never done/learnt about this before, but even when you haven’t had the specific experience, you can look forward to learning something new and committing to doing it properly. It is okay to ask for help, and it is definitely okay to be confused in the beginning. The lie that your fears tell you is that everything must be smooth sailing in life. So, if you are finding something difficult, then it automatically means it is not for you. This is not necessarily the case. The struggle is an important part of the process. If you are consistently avoiding things and saying no, for no other reason than your inability to acknowledge your capacity and ability to learn, then you are not thriving. You are living in fear. The worst part of it is that you will look back and wish you had taken a different approach. 

I understand anxiety. It is real for me. However, at some point you have to ask yourself - will I ‘protect’ myself till oblivion, or will I allow myself to thrive?

Thriving does not mean a lack of struggle or effort. It is that state of being that embraces all parts of the journey - the nice, the exciting, the intimidating, the scary, all of it. 

For those things that are important to you, and that you want for yourself, Say YES!. 

Embrace every opportunity you have right now - big or small, easy or challenging. The experiences take you further along in life and prepare you for the big and small impacts you will have during your time on earth. 

Thrive now by saying - yes I can, and acting on that acknowledgment. 

Do your best and keep saying to yourself - I can and I am doing this - until you find yourself at the top of the mountain you were too afraid to climb. 

Leave the past where it is, it has made you the person you are today and it is perfect.

Leave the future where it is, you make it with your thoughts, words and deeds.

Say yes today.

Yes I can.

Yes I am ready.

Yes I will do it.

And then watch yourself become. 

Love,

O.F.P