Each Step is a Victory

Hello Friends,

I took some time to question the reason that, the end of every day, no matter how many things I have done that day, and the varying impacts of those things. I never think I have done enough. I know it has nothing to do with how much work I have actually done, because it does not matter what I do. Whatever it is, it isn’t enough.

I know many people go through this feeling as well, and it is a problem. The reason it is problematic is that you are never satisfied with yourself. This lack of satisfaction manifests itself differently in different people. Some people don’t sleep, relentless in their pursuit of a vague goal, or at least a constantly moving goalpost. Every achievement suddenly becomes nothing once it has been achieved. Some people have trouble starting or committing to doing anything big that they want to do; there’s a lingering feeling that they will never be good enough to do it because they don’t work hard enough. Many people experience a combination of these things in different areas of their lives.

My personal response to this issue, is often a reversion to external validation. I seek this external validation because I am unable to acknowledge my contributions to the world for that day myself. So, I will report all the things I have done during the day, trying to get a sense of other people’s opinions. I listen hard for the tone of their voices - do they sound impressed? Are they alarmed at my level of laziness? Does she look like she thinks I have wasted the day? It doesn’t always work, and this is for a number of reasons.

People really don’t care what you have done, especially if you’re not working for them. Secondly, there are other things they are probably thinking about or dealing with. And most importantly, the value of someone else’s opinions will always be limited by their experiences, perspectives and level of understanding. I once used to think people who left work at 5pm could do better (I wanted to be an investment banker at the time). Now I see things differently and silently congratulate people that are able to balance their work with other areas of their lives. So, if someone who left work at 4pm came to me for validation, my response to them then will probably be different from my response to them now. Both those responses (then and now) are limited by my perspectives. They are not what other people should use to feel validated. But we still do it. It is ridiculous, but it is real.

It is not only through your families and friends you can seek validation. Sometimes, it is from online articles or books; they tell you the optimal number of hours to spend working or the best way to gauge your productivity. But that validation, wherever it is from, will forever be empty. There is nothing that compares to a person’s ability to look at what they have done or look at the person they have been in that day and see that it is good. If you don’t see and appreciate, or at least acknowledge what you are doing, there is nothing that will convince you to change that opinion. Nothing.

You have to see that you are good, and that your goodness or value to the world is not really dependent on how much you produce. Or how long you spend studying. Or how many hours you spent at work today. It is not that these things - studying, working, producing- do not matter. It is that their importance only has true meaning in the context of your self-expression.

What I mean is this. There is a difference between studying to be recognised as a brilliant student and studying to learn something because you want to use the knowledge to make life better for people, or simply because it is a subject that interests you. Both may actually have the same or a similar outcome, but it matters completely, how you view yourself and the purpose of your work while you are studying. One view is externally driven and the other is internally driven. The former is very exhausting and empty because it is devoid of the input of your higher self. It is not self-directed; it is directed by the illusion of ‘should’. And that illusion is created by society. Illusions are fickle- because they aren’t real. If you’re chasing something that does not exist, will you ever get to it?

To be sure, transitioning from someone who is externally driven, to someone who is internally purpose-driven, is not an easy experience. The very fact that you need validation from other people (whether you admit it or not) means that you have gotten to a point where your own opinion of yourself does not hold much weight. It is not that it is not there. It is there, you have just made it unimportant; it is not a priority. So, you quickly shut it down when it tries to speak. “Wow, I really enjoyed working on this song/painting/piece of code/essay/project...” it says, but you don’t even let it finish before you start thinking about what your boss/friend/parent/the public will say. “Not good enough. Could be so much better. Disappointing.” You are defeated right at the beginning, because you are comparing yourself to other people that have gone far in their own journey or you are comparing yourself to a fictional ideal portrayed in the media. Or the person next to you, who is downright lying. It is a lost battle before it begins.

So, what is the way forward ?

It is a gradual and intentional process of letting your opinions, your true opinions not the ones that mirror external societal parameters, begin to take priority.

It starts with acknowledging the tiniest things you have done. It might feel like a ridiculous thing to do but continue.

“You got out of bed and wrote a short paragraph. Well done. Good job. Nice try. We can continue to work on it some more.”

“You wrote a short program that does this thing. Good job. No, it’s not too simple. You worked hard on it. Nice work.”

“You ate your vegetables at lunch today. That’s so good of you for adding some extra nutrition to your plate. Keep it up.”

Think about it, who thrives better? A child who is encouraged even in the small things? Or a child who is constantly made to feel that he is not good enough ?

The way you listen to and speak to yourself matters.

I have started doing something to help me acknowledge myself and my opinions a lot more. I write down a line for everything I do in the day. Even though it seems silly, I take the time to acknowledge it and write it down. I try not to limit it to ‘work’. If I made time to help someone out, I acknowledge that. If I had a great time catching up with a friend, I see it as time well spent. If I relaxed and shut down my anxious thoughts, I acknowledge that too. It can be a difficult exercise to maintain. Apart from the fact that it takes time, it just seems ridiculous. Why am I writing down that I had a conversation with someone who gave me some great advice when I didn’t actually do anything? Because it matters. And I did do something. I had to reach out to the person before they could give me the advice. I had to listen and pay attention to said advice, and in receiving that advice, I am better for it. We don’t always have to be doing, sometimes others do for us and we benefit from it and that counts in the story of our lives.

The key here, is acknowledging the process of whatever it is you are doing. We are such a goal-driven society. We look at that single end point in time, often ignoring or glossing over all the massive effort that has come before that singular point in time. It is a mistake because we relegate the process and the ongoing effort, while praising a product or end point that will not be possible without the process. People will not always spend time praising you while you are on your journey. You have to praise yourself. If you don’t, the road will look so long and impossible that it will be hard for you to continue. On the other hand, when you see each step as a victory, it is easier to carry on because you have all these acknowledged victories you are carrying with you, no matter how small they may appear.

This encouragement does wonders. It reminds you that you are moving and growing and living. It helps calm you down when you start to worry that you are not making it. It is kind of your internal cheerleader. Nothing is too small to acknowledge. It is all part of the journey.

You may not be able to write everything down but try your best to take a moment and recognise it. Before moving from one task to the next, take a few seconds to acknowledge what you have done for yourself- even if you can’t write it down. Don’t wait for anybody to tell you that you have done a good job or that they are proud of you. Start learning to say those things to yourself. It helps you focus on your journey, makes you aware of what you are doing, and helps you stay strong when things are difficult. When those negative and self-defeating thoughts come around, you will have a whole arsenal of ‘proof’ that you are growing and moving forward every day.

Try acknowledging yourself more and remember that each step is a victory.

Love,

O.F.P

p.s.

I would apologise for the long post, but I’m not really sorry because I took my time to think about and write it. It is completely fine if you can’t always read to the end. They will be here whenever you need them.

I promise to make every line as useful and relevant as I can. If you have read this far, thank you for reading. I hope it helped and I appreciate you.