A Post Full Of No Words

I say I have no words today, but knowing me, the words will find their way out somehow. So I will just continue writing that I do not have anything to say until I do have something to say. 

For a brief moment today, I felt a sense of desire for myself. I just wanted to sit in front of the mirror, stare at myself and love myself. I don't think it is that I felt particularly attractive or worthy of love. I don’t know why I associate the two, but it is a discussion for another day. I still have the same eyes that notice all the proportions that I would rather do without. But it didn't matter, because there was a part of me that I saw that was desirable to myself. That was interesting, but it only lasted a brief moment. I am not sure why. 

I really wanted to just lay on the floor and be naked with my thoughts, but I didn't. 

I don't know why. 

I think I need to allow myself the pleasure of being alone. I seem to want this particular connection, but I am not getting it. Instead I get a fence through which I can see, but past which I can't connect. I don't want to deal with myself and so I want to deal with someone else. 

Today I thought about my relationship with my body over time and I felt a deep sense of sadness. I remember when I was a child, I really wanted to get sick. Why? So that I could lose weight. There are still some days that those thoughts tempt me, but I quickly brush them away. I can barely function with a common cold, but for vanity's sake I am tempting fate. At least age has given me wisdom enough to be grateful for the great health I enjoy. 

Fasting is also ruined for me. I am no longer able to fast because I see it primarily as a tool for weight-loss, focusing on my body, the very antithesis of the purpose of fasting - in my view. So I can no longer fast because my mind becomes preoccupied with whether or not I am losing weight. I can't focus on the spiritual development for which that fast begun in the first place.

What I am coming to see and appreciate about this process, is the slow acceptance of my body as it is and the admission that I am very messed up when it comes to my body; there is a lot I need to deal with and work through. I feel a bit indulgent. Like my issues are first world problems - and to some extent, they are. If you are starving, truly starving, you would not be happy that you were starving and excited about all the weight your body is losing. First world problem or not, the baggage is there and needs to be unpacked. 

This is all I can muster today. There's a lot to say, but my word bank is truly on empty. So I will just float in the heavy silence of unspoken words. 

-O.F.P.