Being in Time: Responsible For My Past

My People!

I apologise that this post is late. The slow pace of the first two weeks of classes tricked me into thinking I had more time than I have. So I wasn’t ready for the sudden extension of my to-do list. My sincerest apologies! I’ll get right into this week’s post.

Excuse my stating the obvious but, if something has happened, it is in the past. We can say that this precise moment is in the past too. Time is essentially one point consisting of the past, present and future. It becomes clear when you consider the moving definitions of yesterday, today and tomorrow. Each is, has or will be the past, present and future. The only thing we have control over, is the present- this instant. We cannot change the past and we have no idea what the future holds. We all know this but tend to forget and spend the present regretting the past or worrying about the future. Hence this month’s theme: Being in Time.

If the only time that matters is now, why are we bothering about being responsible for our pasts or fearless about our futures? Because doing these things enable us to be consistent in the present. The present time is very powerful in that it can move us away from our past and take us to our desired future, if we consciously use it to do so.

BEING IN TIME IS THUS A CALL TO REDEFINE OUR ATTITUDES TO EVENTS IN TIME SO THAT WE CAN FOCUS ON WHAT WE WANT, AND NOT ON WHAT WE REGRET OR FEAR.

Looking specifically at this week’s topic - Being Responsible For My Past- I will use myself to illustrate what it means to be responsible and what the alternative looks like.

When I graduated from university and started working, my career did not go in the way that I had imagined it should go. After some four years of gruelling maths, the shift to the corporate world was a bit of a big anti-climax for me. To make it worse, it wasn’t just that I was doing easy work, but that I was not doing much of it at all. Of course, I had a lot to say about how the company had failed me and was destroying the little career I had built so far. By the end of the year, I looked at the fact that I had not done much of anything at work and I regretted joining the company. I did not put all the blame on the company though, I reserved some for myself. I believed that when I realised work was a drag, I could have started doing things to make sure my quantitative skills did not atrophy. And I did. I started (and didn’t finish) a bunch of Coursera classes. So, I blamed myself as well for my failure to complete the online classes (now I get why my family thinks I am forever studying).

There is one thing (of many) that marked this experience for me. I was dishing out a lot of blame and complaints that my career and skillset were not the way I wanted them to be but taking no responsibility for it. If you have ever seen a leader who blames his team when things do not go well, instead of doing his part to fix it, you will know what I mean. Such leaders are usually ineffective and struggle to produce results. Blame takes place of action and wastes precious problem-solving time. Notice that I recognised that I could have been doing this course or that. I also acknowledged that I had failed to complete them. Instead of thinking about a different approach to maintaining and building my skills, I went on sulking about how much I had not done and how much I did not like my current situation. So, I never really got round to doing much. That is not what taking responsibility for your (past) decisions and actions looks like.

I want to use my flatmate at the time as a counterexample (hey Jade!). We were both in similar positions. She was disillusioned by her role and realised that she would rather be pursuing a PhD. Instead of spending all of her time lamenting, she started making headway towards getting into a suitable PhD program. She revised her maths. She retook the GRE multiple times until she got a perfect quant score. She spent time writing and reviewing her essays. I think she had Skype calls with her undergraduate professor every other week. She was focused. All she allowed herself time for, was the pursuit of her desires. This was over the course of a year. But she was consistent in her pursuit and she made it. None of this means that she never grumbled- it is normal to complain when we are dissatisfied. We both did. It is just that she didn’t let that distract her from pursuing her goals.

The difference in approaches highlights that sense of responsibility.

·       I was disproportionately focused on what I did not want, she was focused on getting what she wanted.

·       I spent my time blaming and complaining, she spent her time moving in the direction of her desires

·       I started and stopped many ventures, she was consistent in her pursuit of her goal

Notice the trend?

DISTRACTION VS FOCUS.

And it has to do with being responsible for my past because a responsible person does not complain about what has already happened. She focuses on the solutions to her problem. She takes responsibility for the consequences of her decisions and understands that it depends on her to change or maintain the status quo. She pursues her desires with a singular focus and relegates everything else to the background.

It is a sense of being in charge, and the acknowledgement of that authority that you have over the course of your life. Sure, things do happen that are outside of your control, but you will always have control over your responses. And this is what we aim to master by asking ourselves - does this action represent the person that I am or want to be? Or is it going to keep me stuck in a bad habit of complaining about things I can and cannot change?

So, being responsible for your past means removing all forms of blame, of yourself and others, and focusing on the object of your desire, or your goal. The act of blaming makes you feel responsible and active. But that is only your ego talking. In fact, blame distracts you from the fact that you are actually wasting time and energy and accomplishing nothing.

But when you take responsibility, you seek to be clear about how to move from where you are, to where you need to be and upon gaining that clarity, you proceed. You understand, fundamentally, that since you are the only person over whom you have control, and equivalently, the only person that can (or should, in any case) control yourself, you need to focus on defining who you are, and on being that person. You realise that this control over yourself means that you are responsible for the actions that you take and you are ready to bear the consequences of those actions (and inactions).

It is important to adopt this sense of responsibility, acknowledge and be very conscious of it.

So, our personal exercise for this week is to focus on removing blame or regret and redirect our energies to practice being responsible for our past. To help us, we will say our mantra for this week:

“I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR MY PAST AND SO I WILL MOVE TOWARD MY DESIRED GOAL WITHOUT THE BAGGAGE OF BLAME.”

Try and remember to say it to yourself throughout your day. Focus on moving forward toward your desired goal and catch yourself if you notice that you are blaming someone or something instead of determining what needs to be done and doing it. It’s very easy to fall into that cycle of excuses.

I wish you all a week of being responsible and discarding the baggage of blame!

Love,

O.F.P.

p.s. check out this past post on regret and let the imagery remind you of the need to forge ahead.

Happy weekend all !