Happy New Year, Same Old Me …

To my Dear Readers and Friends, 

Although we have almost arrived at the end of the first month of the year, I wish you a Happy New year. My desire for you is that this year will be especially good for you, in that you will take a step forward in your lives in the most wonderful way. 

I was intentional in my decision to take so long a break. I wanted to make sure I came back to the blog with a renewed focus and added value to everyone who takes the time to read these posts. 

Towards the end of last year and even in the early parts of this one, I realised that I have an issue with seeing things through. I came across all the lists I had written, filled with all the things I wanted to do, most (maybe even all) of which I did not accomplish. I was reminded of all the ventures I had started but did not finish and it made me realise that I needed to change my approach to New Year (new me). I needed to sit and think about how I am going to move a step forward in all the different areas of my life. 

As a young student, of course, depending on your character, you often don’t have to think about who you are. There is a prescribed list of what you must do and how you should do it, if you want to be “successful”. Most of the time, the most “successful” people in school are so because they are great at not thinking for themselves and being led by what they have been told they must do. Some people continue with this even into their working lives ... working through a mega to-do list in order to “succeed”. The luckiest ones are those who rebel or fail early, not because they are lazy, but because they are more interested in being themselves or at the very least, discovering who those selves are. And, more importantly, letting their being bring light to the world around them. 

In the last month I have been trying to understand why it is that since I graduated, I have had trouble finishing what I have started. And because of that, why I feel as though I have not accomplished much, or even anything really, in that time. It has just dawned on me that I am no longer in a context that rewards obeying instructions. There’s no teacher to give me a gold star for doing well and my motivation for the longest time - approval from authority figures, being singled out as the smartest etc.- has disappeared. My worldview has changed and I am left to approve of myself and listen to the voice within me - something that I never really learnt to do - because there was always someone to do it for me. 

I think all those lists and goals I wrote down were my way of seeking that approval or indication of my intellectual worth. If I finished that coursera data science course, then it’ll show them I am capable (not, with the knowledge I gain from this course, I can create this thing that can make some difference in this way). At the same time I was constantly dissatisfied with where I was. It’s as though there was a silent battle between the part of me that just wanted to do this and complete that and get recognised for it, and the part of me that wanted to be more and therefore do more. So there has been an eight year stalemate, where I have seen myself want to do everything, but complete nothing. 

However, in all of this time that I’ve felt a lack of accomplishment I have never thought about myself and the impact I have made in people’s lives or the value I have created in my interactions. People remember most how you make them feel. No one, at the end of the day, cares what courses I have done or what position I am at work. But they do care, how in my doing these things or being in these positions , I have positively impacted their lives. It is why you can have the smartest person teach, yet if her students are unable to understand her - her value to them is nothing. However we can have this same person make the most important discoveries for use or enjoyment by other people - and in that context she is king.  

So what is my point ? 

My point is that this year I want to change my perspective from its current focus on this futile search for ticking items off of on a long to-do list, to measuring my progress by the effect my actions, whatever they are, have on the lives of people around me and the extent to which my actions are in line with the person I want to be - someone that is a light to her world. 

This approach to life requires intentionality. It requires a firm presence of mind. And a refusal to wait for “that thing to happen so I can become “ this or that. 

And it all starts with focusing not on what I am doing, but on who I am, which, if I am being honest, I don’t quite know how to do well yet. 

So for the next few weeks ... and probably more. I’d like to ask you to start this journey with me. 

A journey of actively taking responsibility for our lives; learning to focus on being ourselves, without fear that I am ‘wrong’ or not enough and finally, of focusing on being the individuals that we want to be, rather than doing things to seek silent approval. 

I have already explained these things in blog posts in the last year and a bit. So this year will be more about engagement, more action and application oriented and I can’t do it without your participation. 

If you’ve ever not taken a step forward because you are afraid. 

Or if you feel like you are still waiting for something to happen before you can confidently say your life is great. 

Or if you find that you don’t really know how to decide for yourself, what’s good for you, 

I ask that you come with me on this journey. 

I certainly don’t have all the answers, but my desire is that by the end of this year we are much more fearless, clear about who it is that we are and able to do all the things that we want to do. 

Thank you and speak next week. 

Love, 

O.F.P 

24.01.19