Good Enough For Whom?

Hello,

It has been a while so I am glad to be writing today. Naturally, at some points I wonder why I bother with writing blog posts at all. But I think sometimes it is nice to show someone out there that they are not alone. The process of becoming is messy, often embarrassing and unique to each individual. Even so, it is still nice to know that while your convoluted journey in life might be uniquely yours, you are not alone, and there is nothing wrong with you.

I am learning to actively and intentionally release the lie that I have held on to for years .

The lie is that: If I do not work all the time, then I will never be good enough.

Before I carry on, I want to mention that it has taken me a long time to identify this train of thought and admit to myself that it is something that has held me back and affected the way I see and treat myself. It sounds like a clear and simple sentence that can easily be refuted, but it is often the simplest things that are the most profound and entrenching. It also sounds like a very ridiculous thing to believe about oneself; if a friend told me they felt this way, I would be so concerned and wonder how to convince them otherwise. However, I have not always been the best friend to myself. So what might sound horrible in the context of someone else, sounds plausible for me. I think it is important for me to write this so that you understand how easy it is to dismiss someone's negative self-talk because it is so obviously false. The problem is that the person is often completely blinded by this lie, and cannot, for whatever reason, see otherwise.

I believed this lie because of something that was said during a conversation when I was young - perhaps in junior secondary school or the end of primary school, I do not remember my precise age. "Oladoyin isn't smart, she just works really hard." It wasn't a statement that was said maliciously; it was an innocent conversation. I think at the time I was being compared to people who were smart(er) (or called smart because we never saw their process of going from not knowing to knowing. They just seemed to always know immediately). I was not someone who immediately understood. I had to learn, and because my learning process was not instantaneous (on the contrary, I am actually quite a slow learner, perhaps because I am so thorough if it is something that I actually want to learn), I believed that I was not smart. This belief was bolstered by all the fixed-mindset messaging around me that defined a smart person as someone who just got it - you either had it or you didn't. To make up for my not being smart and quick to learn, I had to work ridiculously hard or be working all the time. It did not help that over the years, my models of success have often been chronic over-workers, with whom I compared myself. Anytime I was not working I felt bad about myself, was convinced that I was not good enough and that I would never be. So it built a constant cycle of trying and failing to be a workaholic. I was flawed by my inability to immediately grasp a concept, and further flawed by my inability to make up for the first flaw by working hard. I think that is why I started being so hard on myself and comparing my perceived level of intelligence with that of other people around me.

Of course, being that this was a lie believed from childhood and supported by a predominantly fixed mindset, there was no opportunity for me to question it. I never really stopped to ask myself: good enough for whom? Why is being smart so important? Is my worth solely tied to being able to make up 'for not being smart'? So I carried these subconscious lies around and over the course of growing up, allowed them to define me and make me think of and love myself less.

Oh, how strange this sounds - a multiple Ivy League graduate who believes she is not smart or good enough. It is strange but true. Unfortunately, I know too many people like this. Their false beliefs about themselves manifest in various ways - no matter what it is they may or may not have accomplished. You don't see it - the accomplishment- and in the rare moments that you do, it is often a short-lived recognition, just until you think to yourself: "what's the next project for me to prove myself?" Never stopping to ask that question, prove myself to whom and why is it important to prove myself? People like me hardly stop to truly acknowledge all that they are, how far they have come, and most important but unfortunate, how their self-worth has absolutely nothing to do with what they may or may not have achieved. No matter what comments people around you are making.

Then, there is the problem of comparison. It is a false one because we don't see it all. We don't see people's struggles, and even when we do, we tend to be distracted by the victory that came at the end. We can forget the struggle/ignore it totally or believe, falsely, that it never existed or that they were more capable (or lucky) to overcome. The truth is that we do not know. We hardly hear of the struggle while it is happening. Only those that are really close may get to hear. When all is said and done, we can't really walk in someone else's shoes because we are not them. So even our reactions will likely be different. Comparison is a false motivator at best. It distracts from your own journey. Still, I constantly compared myself to others, and that partly fuelled my inability to believe in myself or realise that there is nothing outside of me that can be better at living my life and fulfilling my purpose than I am.

My becoming withdrawn has given me the much needed space to face myself and grapple with those feelings/beliefs and the ways in which they have manifested and are manifesting in my life. It has been hard because you feel tired of constantly feeling like you need to be fixed.

Still, it is a great first step when you finally find a root of the limiting beliefs you have about yourself, but then you have to go through the transitionary phase of trying to let go of a deeply ingrained habit that you are acutely aware is not serving you in the least. I have taken to reminding myself that:

• I am not juggling any balls. I am carrying a single ball at a time AND taking my time with it too

• I will not worry about the next ball or all the other ones that I have stacked up. Focus on this one. Focus in this moment

• If I need more time, I will ask for it so that I can handle this ball, and all the other ones to come after it, properly.

• If I am tired, I will sleep - not quickly finish this book/article/problem/

• If I am hungry, I will eat, even if it is 9pm at night

To be honest, talking to myself in this way feels silly. I sound like I am reading instagram posts to myself and honestly, it just feels lame. So at times, I just ignore myself and carry on working or skip the meal, or trip over a tangle of thoughts about all the things I have to do next. Because listening to those correcting thoughts feels weird.

My therapist told me something that I have found to be very helpful. That this new way of thinking is a new practice. It requires reminders and intentionality, similar to when you're training a child. You repeat that instruction/value you want to pass on until it becomes a part of him/her. Some things will stick immediately. Some won't. So you keep prompting in the right direction, until it becomes a natural part of you and replaces the habits and negative beliefs that perpetuate the lack of self-love. So for me, it is a form of retraining myself in letting go of the falsehood I believed and have held on to so tightly.

It has helped me to think about it this way because now when I say to myself - Oladoyin, it is okay to be having this conversation right now even though you haven't finished your paper ; Oladoyin it is okay to go to bed when you are tired- I know that it is an intentional retraining/rewiring of my brain. I need the cajoling for now because change takes time, especially of ingrained habits. It is only a matter of time.

What brought on this whole thought process? I had covid, and for three weeks all I felt, even while being sick, was guilt that I wasn't back on top of my graduate school work. When I felt better but still had a foggy brain I cried a couple of times that week because I felt useless. When I went back to school but still continued watching my K-dramas, because that was literally the only thing I had the energy to do, I felt like a bad student and quite frankly that I didn't deserve to be a grad student since I was unable to work well. Mind you, all this negative self-talk went along with multiple reassurances from my professors that I should take my time. I think that made me pause. No one was chasing me, yet I was berating myself daily. It didn't make sense.

I don't want to be a workaholic. I don't want my self worth to be tied to the amount of wrk I am able to do, or my ability to minimise the number of hours I spend away from my desk. For too long my opinion of myself has been very strongly tied to how much I am doing. I want to be free of that now because it is not a value-system in which I believe.

I love being in school and the work that I get to do, but I am so much more than a student. I am so much more than a person who can follow a schedule or finish the items on her to-do list. There is so much more to me than this and so I am intentionally going on this journey to bring all of me out for myself and the world to benefit from.

I have embraced the fact that my spirit animal is a tortoise and I am reminding myself that slow and steady wins the race.

Love,

OFP.